3 Reasons I Know I Will One Day Definitely be Eaten by Zombies

I have been reading about and watching the Olympics today, both online and on TV.  I normally make a valient effort to change the channel whenever I watch TV and a commercial comes on, but this is the Olympics.  It would be completely un-American not to let NBC and thier advertisers do their absolute best to sell sparkly things to my brain during the conveniently spaced comercial breaks in the tape delayed prime time coverage. The truth is I am amazed at the number of different sparkly things that are out there to see and buy.  Along with the countless things everybody wants to sell me, the folks who know also want me to watch stuff.  They want me to watch funny things and news, but it seems that more than anything, "They" want me to watch shows about the end of the world, aliens taking over our brains, and more often then not, zombies that want to eat peoples brains at either high speed, or slow speed.  I don't think it matters at what speed it happens, they just need to eat stuff.  After a full day of brain melting advertising, I have come to the conclusion that when the zombies come, I will be one of the first ones eaten, and heres why:

Reason #1: Its inevitable that the zombies are coming.  I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I have!   A suspiciously high number of zombie themed tv series, movies, and video games are making their way into our daily lives.  After careful research, I have come to the conclusion that the people making the zombie stuff have done more careful research than I have done.  This means that they probably know more than I do.  And what is it that they all seem to know?  That the zombies are without a doubt coming...in some cases as soon as the 60's.  But in that version, I think we all die in a farmhouse or something.  Truth is, I had to look that one up on Wikipedia because it was black and white so I go bored and didn't finish it.  Anyway, Reason #1 take it from a man, who is taking it from people who quite possibly have maybe done some research on the subject, there is no future scenario where the zombies don't come into our lives and decimate the human race.

Reason #2: I am average looking at best.  As I was preparing to write this blog, I wracked my brain, almost passed out from the effort, came back from the mind numbing brink and thought of all of the current and past and especially current zombie media that I have seen. There is one commonality in all of these productions.  All of the people who survive the apocolypse are not just a little, but A LOT hotter than I am.  I mean seriously, there are so many hot chicks that are all but guaranteed to make it through, brains intact!  If you are a hot chick, you at least will survive the first wave.  If you do a nude scene, you will most likely die in the second act, but you got a few extra hours out of it anyway.  If you hook up with the hottest guy left around, you might just make it to the part where there is an awkward silence as the credits roll and the two of you have to decide how to repopulate the now decimated planet.  Anyway, reason #2 is that there is no possible way I would make it out of the opening credits because I am not hot.  I would probably be eaten not first or second in the zombie attack, but more around 78 or so.  Not bad, but still dead.

Reason #3: I lack motivation.  Have you seen the guys on these things!  They are so incredibly motivated to survive.  "Grab the rope. Out the window. Up off the couch. Blah Blah Blah."  They never stop with the survivor attitude.  I do not have that attitude.  I can barely get motivated to get up in the morning.  Hell, I can't motivate myself enough to watch the Olympics live.  I instead watch my spoon fed Olympics replays during primetime because that is way easier than trying to figure out how many hours I have to count forward or backwards to calculate London's time (I am not some math genious so back off).  Anyway, reason #3 I'm getting eaten is my intense lack of motivation.  I am not going to cover myself in ketchup or anything, and I might punch one or two before the chewing really sets in, but one or two tricky situations and I just might crowd dive myself into the zombies.

So as you can see I have no chance, and the end is just a few years away.  I am going upstairs to grab some ice cream, then coming back down to watch sand volleyball for the second time today on NBC late night because I can't find the remote.  Go USA