Thursday, August 2, 2012

5 Reasons Why We Should Elect A Ninja as the Next President of the USA

Tonight, as I collect my thoughts, I have decided to take a slightly more serious approach to my often lighthearted ramblings.  The country is going through some pretty serious possible changes and choices and me, being a proud member of country (I do live here, I think that qualifies me...) I have decided to touch on the sacred topic of the office of the President of the United States of America.  And I think we should be very careful about who we elect.  In fact, I will just come out and say it.  I think the next man we put in the Oval Office should be a ninja.  Now, don't get all crazy on me.  I know that is a ridiculous proposal (We are way to far along in the election process to get a ninja on the ballot.  Duh! I'm not dumb).  But I really think a ninja for President might be a brilliant and here's why:

Reason #1 Ninjas Got Skills
The office of the President is no slouchy position and I think it is vitally important that the man we elect as our next Commander and Chief has a certain set of skills.  Skills far beyond the average mans ability to heat a microwave burrito or build a campfire using nothing but paper, wood, matches, a lighter if necessary, paper towels, and kerosene.  (I want  the reader to know I think those skills are vitally important; however I am just saying that if a man wants to be president, it should be given that he can already microwave food and burn things.  If he hasn't learned that , how would he ever expect to upkeep any real form of foriegn policy (The Russians+Microwave Burritos=Love))

Anyway, aside from obvious basic skills, the President needs some serious SKILLS.  And a ninja would have those skills.  I mean, what can't they  do?  They can run on trees, wear masks and not look lame, and speak with their lips moving unsyncronized to their words.  That way when they are talking about the awful economy, no one will care because they will be like "How is he doing that with his mouth.  That is so weird.  Jen, you got to come see this."  "What's he saying?" Jen would ask. To which her chubby, unemployed husband would say, "I don't have a clue, but look at his lips.  They don't even match his words. That is so cool.  Hey isn't American Idol on?"  With that distractionary skill alone, the ninja president could all but rule the universe.  And those are just some of the skills they learn the first week of ninja academy and theres so so many more.

Reason #2 So So Sneaky

President's, except for Jimmy Carter, have a long history of doing things that seem like a good idea at the time, but upon waking up the very next morning realize they have made a terrible choice and they need to hide knowledge of their whereabouts and actions for the previous twenty four hours from...well, everyone (looking at you Clinton, Nixon, Baby Bush, Grant, Jackson, Kennedy(Although, I think he wanted everyone to know about Marilyn) and Vampire Slaughtering Lincoln just to name 6).

Now, if there is one thing we have learned about ninjas, they never get caught.  Ever.  Can you imagine the time that would be saved if we didn't have all the obsessive media attention on the things the various presidents have been caught doing.  The time, the money, spent covering the non news could then be used to give more money toward the deficit and the added productivity of the American people would single handedly not only bring the country out of recession, but we would finaly have enough focus to cure pesky diseases like cancer and hunger.  So a sneaky ninja would fix the deficit, cancer, and hunger.  Finally.

Reason #3 and #4...Ninja Stars! (They probably have some cool name, but we called them Ninja stars in the 2nd grade so I am sticking with that.)

Yeah it gets two spaces.  We are talking about Ninja stars.  Think about it, you started making them when you were old enough to start folding paper or pasting popcicle sticks together.  You used to dream about one day being able to throw them through a forest of bamboo at multi colored hopity hop ninjas moving on conveyor belts just like my man Shinobi.  Can you imagine the President, all up in the middle of intense discussions for world peace, the British are getting all upity about "Violent Americans" and then suddenly, for pure show, the President whips into his suit coat, whips out a Ninja star and flings it right in the throat of a would be assassin dressed as a French maid with a beard.  "Whoa!" the British would say "Was that just a Ninja star?! Let's get this things signed!"  So as you can see, reasons three and four is Ninja stars.

Reason #5  Batman Was a Ninja

No need to explain you say? I agree, but I have to...for the people who don't get it.  Batman is awsome.  I want an awsome president. Hergo, I want Batman for president.  What...Batman is a fictional character and can't run for president.  Fine, Batman was also a ninja.  Great, if I cant have Batman for President, I would argue that a ninja is the closest plausible option to Batman for President.  Maybe there is enough time to get him on the ballot...


  1. Hahahaha so true! Since I was a girl I have loved Ninja movies....and they just seem to be getting cooler. Why not a ninja for president? No, but seriously now....why not? :)

  2. Reason #6-Ninja Swords! Nothing like ending our country's horrible bipartisanship with a few sliced from the a ninja blade! Just ask Ninja Gaiden!